Magic happens when you cover certain foods in chocolate. The list is long and distinguished, and due to time constraints, I will not be listing them here. Coconut deserves a spot somewhere in the top ten of that list. I understand that some of you out there have a complicated relationship with coconut, i.e.., you decided that you didn’t like it as a spoiled six year old afraid to try new foods, and you are sticking with that decision for life. I can tell you that coconut is sweet and delicious, or that your tastes on all sorts of things have probably changed since you were a young child. However, we both know I would be wasting time in an attempt to convince anyone to change their mind or experience something new.
So, for those of you with enough bandwidth in your life that trying coconut does not destroy your entire identity as a person, you are in luck. Perhaps like me, you no longer partake in store bought candy bars, but still occasionally miss them. There are many reasons why a person would want an alternative, as candy bars are full of all sorts of things that do not fit in a healthy lifestyle. Let’s take a look under the hood and see what the full octane version has to offer:
CORN SYRUP, SUGAR, COCONUT, VEGETABLE OIL (PALM OIL, SHEA OIL, SUNFLOWER OIL, PALM KERNEL OIL, &/OR SAFFLOWER OIL), ALMONDS, LACTOSE (MILK), CONTAINS 2% OR LESS OF: REDUCED PROTEIN WHEY (MILK), CHOCOLATE, COCOA, SKIM MILK, COCOA PROCESSED WITH ALKALI, WHEY (MILK), SALT, LECITHIN (SOY), VANILLIN (ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR), HYDROLYZED MILK PROTEIN, SODIUM METABISULFITE (TO MAINTAIN FRESHNESS), PGPR.
Yikes. Lots of big words there that do technically qualify as edible under the letter of the law. But just like with dating, if you have to qualify it with “technically it’s legal” things are getting sketchy. Looking at you, Leo.
PGPR caught my eye on this list, as it is an ingredient I have pointed out before. Here’s a description of that delightful concoction you are put in your mouth hole without a second thought:
PGPR is a yellowish, viscous liquid composed of polyglycerol esters of polycondensed fatty acids from castor oil. It may also be polyglycerol esters of dimerized fatty acids of soya bean oil.
PGPR is strongly lipophilic, soluble in fats and oils and insoluble in water and ethyl alcohol. In chocolates it is used as a viscosity-reducing agent.[3] It is virtually always paired with lecithin or another plastic viscosity-reducing agent.”
Yummm! Who needs the candy? Just get yourself a 55 gallon barrel of that stuff, grab a spoon, and go to town! I don’t know about you, but “plastic viscosity-reducing agent” on a menu always makes my mouth water!
All jokes aside, the FDA says things like that are perfectly fine to eat, but as Bruce Springsteen once said, blind faith in your leaders, or in anything will get you killed, kids. The poison is in the dose, but when you eat all these so-called “safe” additives that are in our food day after day, year after year…well, how much of a dose are you getting? Think for yourself, analyze what they are selling, and ask yourself why. Billionaire corporations love cheap products to make a higher profit. Your personal well being does not factor into their decisions.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn91L9goKfQ
Side note, I pulled the ingredient list from Walmart’s website and there were 1,703 reviews on the site for Almond Joy. Who are these people? Why are they taking time to review a candy bar on the internet? Yes, Dave23765, we all know that it has chocolate and nuts, and it tastes really good. No need to post that useless little tidbit where it will live until the end of time. I now have 1,703 people added to my list of idiots to avoid at all costs.
I could show the nutrition facts as well, but you already know that there is a ton of added sugar, simple carbs, plus the palm kernel oil used to keep the chocolate stable at room temperature also loves to stop up your arteries like a big wad of hair in your sink drain. We will need to keep ours in the fridge, and that is a good thing.
For all of you that I haven’t offended yet and are still here wanting to make the recipe, you will be happy to know that an advanced degree in Chemistry is not needed. We need simple ingredients only. Shredded coconut, coconut oil, coconut cream…why do I feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump all of a sudden?
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Some people mistake healthy foods as also being low calorie, low fat foods. These are neither. We are making a calorie dense treat. I would suggest one a day, so that you do not blow up any calorie targets you might be trying to achieve. Perhaps you have an extremely strict personal trainer like I do that constantly checks your body composition:
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The good news is because this version of an Almond Joy is full of healthy fats, just one will be enough. It will keep you satisfied and feeling full, and not cause a blood sugar spike that will leave you wanting to eat a whole bag, like the store bought version does to a person. They are also incredibly easy to make. Whip up a batch and share with friends. They won’t know you left out the PGPR, but you will, and that will make you feel just as good as eating healthy chocolate candy bars.
Healthy Almond Joy
Ingredients:
150 grams shredded unsweetened coconut
140 grams coconut oil, melted plus one tbsp
6 tbsp coconut cream
6 tbsp powdered monkfruit sweetener
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/8 tsp fine sea salt
3 dark chocolate bars at least 70% dark (up to 85% if you ain’t scared)
Raw almonds
Instructions:
Gather your weapons:
Melt the coconut oil in a saucepan save the one tbsp, then mix all the ingredients except for the chocolate and the almonds in a large bowl:
Using a disher, scoop out whatever size you prefer and shape on a cooking sheet lined with parchment paper. Make an indentation in the top and nestle an almond in each one:
Place the cookie sheet in the freezer to firm up while you melt the chocolate. Make a double boiler by placing a heat safe bowl over a pot with boiling water. Break the three chocolate bars into pieces and melt with the extra tbsp of coconut oil, stirring with a wooden spoon until smooth:
Remove the melted chocolate bowl from the pot and let cool for several minutes until no longer hot. Use a spatula to paint the bottom of each coconut candy, turning upside down to set:
Once the cold coconut has set the chocolate, flip over and use a spoon to cover the tops. It doesn’t have to be full coverage, just get some on each and then spread the love around:
Place back in the freezer for a few minutes to set, then remove from the cookie sheet, place in a container, and keep in the fridge. Enjoy:
See the list of all the Shirtless Chef recipes at www.mysaline.com/shirtless.
